Don't say goodbye.

It's difficult for me to leave people sometimes, I don't know, I guess it's like I'll never see them again, or something might happen. I feel weird, the pit of my stomach. It's as if I need something to happen to send it off well, I guess it would be different if I were living with someone I was really close to in that respect, as I would come home to them and they would be there, but somehow when I part a crowd or small group, as I did today after meeting for a club movie, I feel like I'm losing a bit of myself.

Days are up and down, the weekend started alright but I faltered by mid Sunday, sometimes I can see the best thing to do for myself but fail to follow through with going about it. I need to cultivate greater belief in myself, the idea that the pain to go through all this is less then what it would be to stay where I am.

Often I'll think of other people and their joys and it will help get me through a difficult moment, almost daydreaming or creating a scene from a movie in my mind.

I suppose things are better now then this time one year ago, I still don't recognize what I have before me as myself however, quite a long way to go, but progress is progress and I need to find contentment in that.

peace,
~Dixon

Work Work Work

This office was computer generated, could you tell?
"Office" by Jaime Vives Piqueres (2004)


I've taken up work at my school (GCC) as an office assistant through the federal work study program. It's been going alright, I have a lot more job duties then a typical office assistant, as when I started there wasn't much of an office to begin with. I've had to stock everything and now I'm working on sorting and filling a mass of paperwork for the head of the agriculture department. The gentleman I work for is a great guy but has absolutely no organizational ability whatsoever, so I'm left sorting through folders that open up to a myriad of different contents: class rosters and grade sheets in with equipment manuals, invoices and petty cash slips are stuck to minutes for conferences in Nevada and Alaska, every time I upon up a folder or interdepartmental envelope it's a surprise. It's slow, arduous, and tediously painful work, but I'm getting through it. Students working the the deportment above us, applied tech, sit there doing homework and relaxing most of their time, answering a phone or running and errand here and there when need be, but mainly they get to read their textbooks and complete class assignments. I have to get in and out of their building often and I see them there and sometimes when I do it pops up in my mind and I realize that I have a set pay amount I can earn a semester, after which point I'm technical fired, with no chance of promotion, raise, or advancement with my employment. I know I will learn a lot by working there, and I'm not about to give anything less then my best effort, I don't want to think I'm being cheated because of how difficult my job is compared to that of my peers, so I'm trying to keep a good perspective.

peace,
~Dixon