Go Thunderbird Little League!

My mistake, it was that Dodgers and Yankees that were to play tonight, not the Diamondbacks.

Yankees took it, good game boys!

These days...

These days...I'm hurting...

I lay out by a tree this evening at a school play-yard. I've made my world so small again, my pain so big I nearly forgotten how to simply step outside.

It's nice getting outside again; watching the trees move in the wind against the sunset, feeling the air against my skin as I merge with it all and in the midst of it clear my head letting the breeze blow a bit of hope inside me.

Things have been difficult; I have been in the hospital on three separate occasions this semester having been not sleeping, withdrawing all my classes for the second time now. Walking around barefoot on the too-dry-for-comfort grass wasn't bad though. I realized a few things I can do to help myself this summer - one of them was to drop the full-on pursuit of an Associates of Sciences degree and go after a teaching degree now as opposed to later.

Out of the blue I up and decided to go for a walk Tuesday, two days ago, that walk carried me around my apartments towards the back and into the school play-yard. I felt a sense of calming and relief. I'd not been out of the house in three weeks but to go to the grocery store, mail box, or garbage. Last night I happened upon a little league game taking place on one of the diamond fields and after having a good talk on my cell with a friend I had not heard from in some time I sat in to watch the rest of the game. Diamondbacks against the Dodgers, playoff game. Dodgers took it. I chatted with the league president a bit, a lovely woman by the name of Debbie. She told me about her three sons in the various divisions inside the league and about her life as a lawyer and living back East. Next game is tomorrow night same match up, I plan to go.

These days...I'm hurting...but there is hope.

God Bless,
~Chad


[Image Credit]

ENG 101 - Eassy 1 - Rough 6.doc

Lies, Lies, Lies, All Lies.

It is here at 1:30am that I, while designing a website for a small community, realize what I want to do. As I comb over another edit, aligning paragraphs and fiddling with fonts and colors, I long to be creating something meaningful, something I would actually enjoy, something my small group and I talked about but never brought into fruition, creating a community site for a missions trip to Mexico.

Another semester has begun and with it another lie uttered to my small group, they once again believe I am enrolled in classes at GCC, alas I am not. I'm here at home, all day, most everyday, not doing much of a damn thing. It is out of sheer boredom that I began the website, trying to organize a group of pirated game players together online; it's not what I want to be doing.

I've been going through another hellstorm of self loathing and abuse, I'm deeply depressed and have been since last June.

I can't carry on like this much longer.

Photos: With Joe Shin at Prescott Corvette Show

I've been having some trouble lately, going through a lot so Shin wished we spend some time together Saturday morning. We enjoyed a Wafflehouse breakfast and took a lovely drive up to Prescott where we happened into a Corvette show near a commons, park area.

Tree & Bench.

WWI Statue, it took some effort to get a shot with the flags alive.

Fellow enjoyers of the park.

Tasty!

He thinks he's so cool, cocky punk.

Me, just hopping into my ride.

”$75 for a complete 40-volume set of The Yale Shakspeare“, maybe next time.

Joe, Me & Supergirl spotted in the background. [View rest of album]

Photos: Small Group goes to White Mountains

Guys and Dogs [Elliot, Shin, Louie]


Roadside Photo Op [Self, Shin, Louie, Chong-O* (not liable for inaccurate spelling)]


Check out the whole album!

A truly breathtaking weekend spent with nature.

peace,
~Dixon

Domestic Situation

All my life I've had difficulty sleeping at night, started as child and continued on through my adulthood. The bouts with sound sleep arrive in waves; it comes and goes, I again find myself in the mid of a now week long stretch of sub 3 hours per night. I keep a little flip book log for myself, in the morning I record the hours slept (an estimate of what digits I can't recall having seen on my alarm clock) over the hours attempted - time spent laying there. My little red book has a string of 2/6’s and 3/6’s dating back to April 30th.

I have a quiet routine I go through to wind down my night; I keep myself pretty mellow for the half hour or so leading up to when I lie in bed. I used to take an over the counter sleep aid, whether effective as placebo, by its active ingredients or ineffective entirely I'm not aware. I have known one technique to provide a sound and comforting rest every time I use it however - my fantasy domestic life.

I have a little home that hasn’t been built, neatly tucked away in a bit of a forest that can’t be found, nurtured by a lovely little lady that doesn't exist at the relational capacity I hold her in - I do just that too, holding her I rest.

The home has been a work in progress since 2002, back then it was just a studio apartment with a bare wooden floor I would imagine myself dancing across. Over the years I used this safety zone to experience and express my personality traits I was too afraid to dawn in the light. Much love has been tracked across those bare wooden floorboards as the home grew from an apartment to a house, single room and bath to two bedroom, two baths, full kitchen, laundry, patio, car port/over hang. Dinning with friends, talks by a garden fire pit, movie screenings, dance parties - home events I invite real life friends into, a place to calm me.

Here I have a future, potential to grow, validation, acceptance. A place of rest.

I have struggled with it, how I came to bring into this love of mine a living person who I do have a real relationship with - it was a long fought battle, often going back on my word as to being 'OK' with doing so. I recognized when I began "I don't want this, but I find nothing else, it's not forever, I'll be alright". Now it is time to stop. Now I want to use God.

In Desire, John Eldredge quotes Thomas à Kempis:

“There is nothing created that can fully satisfy my desires. Make me one with You in a sure bond of heavenly love, for You alone are sufficient to Your lover, and without You all things are vain and of no substance.”

It has been difficult, I didn’t realize how integrated into my life and emotions this domestic situation had become, without an imaginary warmth of love wrapping me at night my hours slept drop from a healthy six to the at-best three I get now.

I have faith however, and find my rest in knowing God is with me.

peace,
~Dixon

Photos: Small Group

Last group prior to Louie's move. Bye Louie's old home ;(

Back: Shin, Louie. Seated: Andre, Ludlum, me ;), Elliot. (Not Present: Brad)


I love you guys!

peace,
~Dixon