Those first few strides,

Today's schedule was rather hectic, but at that I had time for myself to be able to make it to the gym right after coming home for lunch. I didn't go. Unfortunately I ended up actually thinking about it, and that's what got me. Thinking about how it's different now then sometime back when I first began lifting and training steadily and seriously. How when I lift now things pop and I get pains I've never gotten before, lifting less. How my skin's discolored in areas it wasn't before and how I don't feel too great after the session. How I know the difference first hand. It's the most dangerous thing one can have with themselves in this regard, the memory of something different, of a preferable outcome to something that was there before but no longer, I have this, the memory. I attempt the same cause but have yet to reach the same effects. You see, before I wasn't looking for anything, I was simply doing something, now I'm constantly looking for the outcomes I once knew, chasing them, shadows in my memory and catching nothing but acidic air.

I had a moment to sit while waiting to leave for the bus, all packed and ready. I began to call a friend of mine, but I had to think about it. I shouldn't have let myself. I should have either made the call or not made the call. For whatever reason I laid back a moment, kicked my legs out and closed my eyes, I was tired, but not about to sleep. I wanted to take it all in, like it would help or something. I entered one of those 'awake dreams' and within the briefest of discernible moments I was jogging in my mind, and after but the first few strides I tripped as I often do in these and woke to brace myself against a fall that never came. I turned to see the time and it was ten till, ten till the bus departs, I always set out ten till the bus departs giving me plenty of time to get there, and at this exact time is when I awoke. And I still didn't leave.

I hate it, I have this dream all too often; while setting down 'just for a moment' as I did here, or while turning in for the night, its the first dream I come to, tripping, whilst running, in the first few strides. Somehow its all too symbolic.

Staying wasn't any better. I think I'm waiting for the move to pick things up again. Waiting to get the go ahead to start running again. Waiting to see some doctors on some other issues.

peace,
~Dixon