We got to move these refrigerators.

Tomorrow should prove the last of the move, it got real stretched out from the time schedule I had preferred, but having to rely on other people to save a bit of cash it's something I expected going into it. I do appreciate the help too, a lot, so I can't complain much.

Been looking forward to moving in with my Nan for awhile now, she needs the change, as do I. I've stayed over there for a few days over a weekend once ever four to six weeks now for some years. I like going over to cheer her up, I know she gets along a lot better with me there and she goes on to tell me this all the time, often trying to get me to stay longer. It's nice to know you can have that kind of effect on someone, to really see it. Hopefully she understands I'm not there to stay long. Hopefully her boyfriend will be finally moving in with her soon, he needs to take care of some issues on his own end first though. Have a host of little things I plan on doing for her, things that usually flesh out our time together on those weekends, breakfast and dinner, help her with at the grocer, ease her frustrations with work. She is old enough to be my grandmother but I know she has a good deal of energy and spirit tucked away inside her, I want her to be able to enjoy those aspects of herself, I want to help her release them.

Myself, I'm nine months into my last 'great push' now, doesn't feel like it. I need a change of mindset, a more completeness of heart, something. Something to click. I don't know. I need to turn off feeling certain pains for a time, or to turn to a new way of perceiving them, or some cog in my mind to start turning over relieving the strain on the rest. I keep going back 'there' with most anything I do that means anything, I feel 'locked' into this other being, unnatural to myself. Everything I do is through someone else's skin, its indescribable. I'm not giving up, I can't, I know there's only one way to go about doing so and I've been long settled on that, I don't know if I'm prepared for this to be it though, all I ever come to feel, for this to make up the rest of my days for years on end. It's in me still, I just haven't found how to bring it to the forefront, all I feel are aches and pains, echoes of emotions lingering form my past.

I need something in my day, my everyday, that sustains me. Running and lifting, starting them up again, were suppose to be just that, they haven't worked out as I wanted them though. I feel my body collapsing more then anything. I often go into this idea I'm a walking corpse, doing so explains it all better then anything else I've come up with. I'm missing something.

peace,
~Dixon