All my life I've had difficulty sleeping at night, started as child and continued on through my adulthood. The bouts with sound sleep arrive in waves; it comes and goes, I again find myself in the mid of a now week long stretch of sub 3 hours per night. I keep a little flip book log for myself, in the morning I record the hours slept (an estimate of what digits I can't recall having seen on my alarm clock) over the hours attempted - time spent laying there. My little red book has a string of 2/6’s and 3/6’s dating back to April 30th.
I have a quiet routine I go through to wind down my night; I keep myself pretty mellow for the half hour or so leading up to when I lie in bed. I used to take an over the counter sleep aid, whether effective as placebo, by its active ingredients or ineffective entirely I'm not aware. I have known one technique to provide a sound and comforting rest every time I use it however - my fantasy domestic life.
I have a little home that hasn’t been built, neatly tucked away in a bit of a forest that can’t be found, nurtured by a lovely little lady that doesn't exist at the relational capacity I hold her in - I do just that too, holding her I rest.
The home has been a work in progress since 2002, back then it was just a studio apartment with a bare wooden floor I would imagine myself dancing across. Over the years I used this safety zone to experience and express my personality traits I was too afraid to dawn in the light. Much love has been tracked across those bare wooden floorboards as the home grew from an apartment to a house, single room and bath to two bedroom, two baths, full kitchen, laundry, patio, car port/over hang. Dinning with friends, talks by a garden fire pit, movie screenings, dance parties - home events I invite real life friends into, a place to calm me.
Here I have a future, potential to grow, validation, acceptance. A place of rest.
I have struggled with it, how I came to bring into this love of mine a living person who I do have a real relationship with - it was a long fought battle, often going back on my word as to being 'OK' with doing so. I recognized when I began "I don't want this, but I find nothing else, it's not forever, I'll be alright". Now it is time to stop. Now I want to use God.
In Desire, John Eldredge quotes Thomas à Kempis:
“There is nothing created that can fully satisfy my desires. Make me one with You in a sure bond of heavenly love, for You alone are sufficient to Your lover, and without You all things are vain and of no substance.”
It has been difficult, I didn’t realize how integrated into my life and emotions this domestic situation had become, without an imaginary warmth of love wrapping me at night my hours slept drop from a healthy six to the at-best three I get now.
I have faith however, and find my rest in knowing God is with me.
peace,
~
Dixon
