Saturday, June 05, 2010
Thursday, June 03, 2010
I lay out by a tree this evening at a school play-yard. I've made my world so small again, my pain so big I nearly forgotten how to simply step outside.
It's nice getting outside again; watching the trees move in the wind against the sunset, feeling the air against my skin as I merge with it all and in the midst of it clear my head letting the breeze blow a bit of hope inside me.
Things have been difficult; I have been in the hospital on three separate occasions this semester having been not sleeping, withdrawing all my classes for the second time now. Walking around barefoot on the too-dry-for-comfort grass wasn't bad though. I realized a few things I can do to help myself this summer - one of them was to drop the full-on pursuit of an Associates of Sciences degree and go after a teaching degree now as opposed to later.
Out of the blue I up and decided to go for a walk Tuesday, two days ago, that walk carried me around my apartments towards the back and into the school play-yard. I felt a sense of calming and relief. I'd not been out of the house in three weeks but to go to the grocery store, mail box, or garbage. Last night I happened upon a little league game taking place on one of the diamond fields and after having a good talk on my cell with a friend I had not heard from in some time I sat in to watch the rest of the game. Diamondbacks against the Dodgers, playoff game. Dodgers took it. I chatted with the league president a bit, a lovely woman by the name of Debbie. She told me about her three sons in the various divisions inside the league and about her life as a lawyer and living back East. Next game is tomorrow night same match up, I plan to go.
These days...I'm hurting...but there is hope.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Another semester has begun and with it another lie uttered to my small group, they once again believe I am enrolled in classes at GCC, alas I am not. I'm here at home, all day, most everyday, not doing much of a damn thing. It is out of sheer boredom that I began the website, trying to organize a group of pirated game players together online; it's not what I want to be doing.
I've been going through another hellstorm of self loathing and abuse, I'm deeply depressed and have been since last June.
I can't carry on like this much longer.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
|Tree & Bench.|
|WWI Statue, it took some effort to get a shot with the flags alive.|
|Fellow enjoyers of the park.|
|He thinks he's so cool, cocky punk.|
|Me, just hopping into my ride.|
|”$75 for a complete 40-volume set of The Yale Shakspeare“, maybe next time.|
|Joe, Me & Supergirl spotted in the background.|
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Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
All my life I've had difficulty sleeping at night, started as child and continued on through my adulthood. The bouts with sound sleep arrive in waves; it comes and goes, I again find myself in the mid of a now week long stretch of sub 3 hours per night. I keep a little flip book log for myself, in the morning I record the hours slept (an estimate of what digits I can't recall having seen on my alarm clock) over the hours attempted - time spent laying there. My little red book has a string of 2/6’s and 3/6’s dating back to April 30th.
I have a quiet routine I go through to wind down my night; I keep myself pretty mellow for the half hour or so leading up to when I lie in bed. I used to take an over the counter sleep aid, whether effective as placebo, by its active ingredients or ineffective entirely I'm not aware. I have known one technique to provide a sound and comforting rest every time I use it however - my fantasy domestic life.
I have a little home that hasn’t been built, neatly tucked away in a bit of a forest that can’t be found, nurtured by a lovely little lady that doesn't exist at the relational capacity I hold her in - I do just that too, holding her I rest.
The home has been a work in progress since 2002, back then it was just a studio apartment with a bare wooden floor I would imagine myself dancing across. Over the years I used this safety zone to experience and express my personality traits I was too afraid to dawn in the light. Much love has been tracked across those bare wooden floorboards as the home grew from an apartment to a house, single room and bath to two bedroom, two baths, full kitchen, laundry, patio, car port/over hang. Dinning with friends, talks by a garden fire pit, movie screenings, dance parties - home events I invite real life friends into, a place to calm me.
Here I have a future, potential to grow, validation, acceptance. A place of rest.
I have struggled with it, how I came to bring into this love of mine a living person who I do have a real relationship with - it was a long fought battle, often going back on my word as to being 'OK' with doing so. I recognized when I began "I don't want this, but I find nothing else, it's not forever, I'll be alright". Now it is time to stop. Now I want to use God.
In Desire, John Eldredge quotes Thomas à Kempis:
“There is nothing created that can fully satisfy my desires. Make me one with You in a sure bond of heavenly love, for You alone are sufficient to Your lover, and without You all things are vain and of no substance.”
It has been difficult, I didn’t realize how integrated into my life and emotions this domestic situation had become, without an imaginary warmth of love wrapping me at night my hours slept drop from a healthy six to the at-best three I get now.
I have faith however, and find my rest in knowing God is with me.peace,