It's difficult for me to leave people sometimes, I don't know, I guess it's like I'll never see them again, or something might happen. I feel weird, the pit of my stomach. It's as if I need something to happen to send it off well, I guess it would be different if I were living with someone I was really close to in that respect, as I would come home to them and they would be there, but somehow when I part a crowd or small group, as I did today after meeting for a club movie, I feel like I'm losing a bit of myself.
Days are up and down, the weekend started alright but I faltered by mid Sunday, sometimes I can see the best thing to do for myself but fail to follow through with going about it. I need to cultivate greater belief in myself, the idea that the pain to go through all this is less then what it would be to stay where I am.
Often I'll think of other people and their joys and it will help get me through a difficult moment, almost daydreaming or creating a scene from a movie in my mind.
I suppose things are better now then this time one year ago, I still don't recognize what I have before me as myself however, quite a long way to go, but progress is progress and I need to find contentment in that.
peace,
~Dixon
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